Ann Coulter recently wrote this helpful article about how American interest in Soccer is a sign of moral decay in this country. And while she may be right about this, I think the real danger for the USA is the wizard sport of Quidditch.
First of all, Quidditch is distinctly foreign and therefore evil. The origins of this game may be somewhat shrouded by the mists of time, but it was certainly invented in Europe and takes its name from some foreign place. Many of the best Quidditch teams are European and African. And a lot of the game’s terminology sounds pretty European to me. What’s a bludger? I don’t know. But I bet some Frenchy could tell you.
Quidditch is a team sport which is obviously a bad thing. Chasers have to work together to score. Even the seeker can’t do well without capable beaters. Why would we ever want our children to learn to work together as a team? And the game is just too safe. No one has ever even died at Hogwart’s while playing Quidditch. How will kids ever learn anything if Madame Pomfrey just regrows their bones and hands them all a bottle of pumpkin juice?
The point system is different and therefore bad. 150 points for catching a snitch? That’s ridiculous. And, besides, America is a land of complete equality where everyone is given the exact same set of circumstances and advantages. Awarding different points for different accomplishments undermines the American dream!
Quidditch is played on brooms. But brooms should only be used by women for housework. Encouraging boys to play with brooms might give them funny ideas about helping out around the house.
Like Ann Coulter pointed out, any sport that’s interesting when played by women is THE WORST. And not only can women play quidditch, but they can actually compete on the same stage as men. When Harry Potter has detention in book 6 and has to miss a crucial match, Ginny Weasley takes his place as seeker and wins the game! How horrible!
Quidditch is a wizard game. America was found by white men who were certainly not wizards. Except maybe Ben Franklin. But everyone else was definitely a muggle so we should play muggle games! If American football was good enough for George Washington and his slaves, it should be good enough for us!
Finally, Quidditch goes on forever without any commercials. Baseball, basketball, and football are true American sports because they can be stopped every 30 seconds for commercial breaks. Not so with Quidditch! They just keep playing for hours without any advertiser making money. And nothing is more un-American than corporations not making money.